i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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