I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
