So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
