Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
