i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
