I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
