i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
