Do you still have your period?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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