There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
