i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
