So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
