i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He did a backflip because drugs
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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