I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
