why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize