that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
