Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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