i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
