Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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