how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
