Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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