I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
