I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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