I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Couch. On fire.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
