i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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