Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
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