If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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