Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize