the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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