these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
