I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
