You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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