if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
