The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
