I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
