It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
