The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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