i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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