Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
