He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You've changed since you got that strap on
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
