Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
