I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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