Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Girls should come with a carfax report
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
