got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
