that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
