discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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