Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize