forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
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