speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
