Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
