She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
