3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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