I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
