I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
