just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
being pregnant is like rehab
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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