im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
