And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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