U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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