Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
