i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
