OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize