The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
