i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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